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Marriage Monday: Respect Often Equals Love to Our Husband

by Julie Gorman

Do any of these phrases sound familiar?

Why don’t you ever help me with the children? I’ve worked all day, too—it’s your turn. I am not happy with the amount of time you’re at the office. I swear, you always talk about business and leave me out of the loop. I never know what you’re up to. Where is all our money? I thought we had XXX amount in our account? I wish you spent time with us instead of always being gone. Why don’t you…I wish you’d…”

Shamefully, at one time or another, I said every single one of these phrases. I never realized how much these statements conveyed disrespect, or how much I communicated disbelief in my husband’s abilities.

But, how do we communicate trust and respect…without becoming a door mat?

Here are ten helpful hints:

1.  Choose to trust his decisions. I used to have to know all the details…now I determine to know my husband and the specifics of how I can help him. Obtaining too many details (for me) was a means of control.

2.  Trust the Holy Spirit. God is a better negotiator than we could ever hope to become. As wives, we must learn the delicate balance between our incredible influence and our sinful desire to manipulate and coerce our husband’s actions.

3.  Learn when to remain silent. Remember, tame your tongue. Galatians 5:15 says, “Watch out if you continually pick at one another you may end up devouring one another.” Say feelings positively rather than negatively. For example, “Why don’t you ever help me with the children?” could be better phrased—“Could you please get our son a glass of milk while I change his diaper?”

4.  Never patronize or use condescending remarks demeaning your husband’s abilities or judging the intentions of his heart. Keep your heart in check. The emphasis on your words must reflect sincerity of heart.

5.  Listen to your spouse with an open mind (whether you agree or not) and check for your understanding of his viewpoint. Ask yourself, what does my spouse need? How is he saying I can better support him?

6.  Learn what to let go of. Don’t major on the minor stuff. In marriage, each day produces the opportunity of small offenses. A great secret of successful marriage is learning to let them go.

7.  Never point out your husband’s flaws until you’ve spent a great deal of praying about it first.

8.  Think about how you might respond to another man in authority over you, like your boss. Show your husband the same respect you might show your boss. Guard and choose your words carefully. Demonstrate the same control and respect you would for him, for your husband.

9.  Practice what you know to do, and eventually you’ll crave and inherently do what is right.

10. Practice praise. Tell him…You know what I respect the most about you? I am so proud to call you my husband. I am so proud of how you handled that. I loved when you helped me… Thank you for being such a great friend…Zero in on what you respect about your husband and start there.

Ephesians 5:24 & 33 says—“Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything… Each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” NIV

Respect often equals love to our husbands. What we say and how we say it expresses trust and respect or doubt and lack of love. As we need them to demonstrate their love for us, they need us to unconditionally demonstrate our respect for them. Since I’ve practiced the ten steps listed above, I’ve enjoyed a fulfilling marriage and partnership. Hope you do too!


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Marriage Monday — Tame Your Tongue

by Julie Gorman

I remember when I first discovered four letter words. Though I’m not proud of it, I used them quite a few times as a kid. My friends seemed pretty impressed with my use of these colorful adjectives—my parent’s did not share the same opinion. I got away with swearing for a time, I figured as long as I didn’t say them in front of my parents I’d be okay. Eventually one slipped out in front of my parents and so did the soap across my mouth. 

I learned a valuable lesson early in life— 

You can’t hide what’s hidden in your heart forever. 

Matthew 12:34-37 says, “For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks. The good man brings good things out of the good stored up in him, and the evil man brings evil things out of the evil stored up in him. But I tell you that men will have to give account on the Day of Judgment for every careless word they have spoken. For by your words you will be acquitted, and by your words you will be condemned.” 

The familiarity of our marriage lends us to say things to our spouse that we would never dare say to another human being—but don’t be mistaken; our words cut and damage our spouse like any other person. 

So if you’re asking, “How do I tame my tongue?” My answer is to allow God to tame your heart. Ask yourself: 

>>How do I speak to my spouse?

>>How do I speak about my spouse?

>>What thoughts fill my mind about him?

>>Am I talking constructively or tearing down my spouse? 

A great question I learned to ask before I spoke of an offense was, “Will this offense matter five years from now?” Some helpful hints I learned to follow are: 

>>Only address issues if they count past your immediate present.

>>Just because we have emotions and opinions doesn’t mean we speak every one of them. Recognizing we don’t need to discuss our every emotion or opinion releases us from judgmental attitudes and liberates us to control our speech.

>>When we believe and speak positively about our husbands they become gentler and kinder towards us.

>>Exercise the same restraint in responding to your husband as if you were speaking to your boss at work or dear close friend. 

Know this—what we hide in our heart eventually comes out sooner or later. If our speech reflects our heart’s condition, then when we clean up our hearts by surrendering them to God, we clean up our speech and control our tongues. 

Another important truth to remember is: Taming your tongue isn’t merely keeping it from saying something: it’s training it how to say something.

In other words don’t just control your speech to keep from saying something bad…practice praising your spouse. 

People rise to the words you speak over them. If you tell your husband he’s a cheating scoundrel who selfishly lacks empathy—you’ll probably get it. But, if you choose to shower him with words of affirmation he’ll rise to the occasion. Praising and believing the best about our spouses heals our relationships powerfully. Again, this may take practice but it’s worth it. Some things you can do to help are: 

>>Write out ten reasons you love and respect your spouse.

>>Find a way to daily express your admiration for your spouse.

>>Express your respect in the way he will most effectively hear you. (Practice doing this for 30 days and you will be amazed at the results.)

>>Entertain positive thoughts about your husband; concentrate on 2 or 3 things you love about him instead of contemplating all the things he does wrong. 

James 1:19 says, “…Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” 

Prayer: Father, we ask that you would help us to honor this verse. We admit to You we often speak out of selfish motives. Help us to think on what is good so the overflow of our hearts speak words of comfort and love. Cause us to store up the good qualities of our husband in our heart, not belabor over negative thoughts. We give you our speech. Guard our mouths. Put a gate across any words perceived to tear our husbands down. Heal our marriages we pray, in Jesus name, Amen.


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Marriage Monday – Don’t Shift the Blame

By Julie Gorman

Reality is a funny thing because everyone has their own slant on what it is. Faulty information and our fallen nature skews our perceptions. Therefore, in every situation we have a choice. Choosing to believe the best in our spouse and looking for the opportunity to extend God’s grace births His character in us.

Genesis 3:11-19 records the first episode of shifting the blame. God asked Adam, “Where are you?” Adam replied, “I hid because I was naked.” God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” Adam replied, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

There it is—the first shift of blame. Adam could have said, “Yep, I did it.” But instead points to Eve, “it is her fault.” Eve turns and does the same thing, blaming the snake.

Since The Fall conflict continues within every marriage relationship. And our natural tendency to shift the blame is as old as the Garden of Eden; but it doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong—shifting the blame won’t excuse consequences for wrongdoing; nor, will shifting the blame heal damaged relationships. Shifting the blame only produces more conflict.

So, rather than shifting the blame, avoid it:

1. Reach a middle ground of understanding. Don’t spend idle time trying to determine who’s right and who’s wrong. Start a new pattern of communication. Always examine a conflict and your actions. Ask yourself, “Did I do everything possible to be a good spouse in this situation?” “Did I love unconditionally like Jesus?” “Did I speak out of emotion and cause further division?” “Did I persist on being heard?”

2. Quit trying to point out faults in your spouse; instead, pray for God’s intervention. We somehow think we have to be the mouthpiece of God. When we stop accusing our spouses, they’ll become more receptive to responding to the voice of God. Learn to remain silent when needed, occurring more often than not.

3. Remind yourself, your spouse cannot meet your every need—only God can. Release your spouse for unfruitful and unrealistic expectations. Avoid the, “Well if he would then I would” or “IF she would ONLY…then I wouldn’t”. You are responsible for your actions.

4. Fall head over heels in love with God. Let him be your provider. He is the only one who will never let you down. Submit your desires to the Lord and ask Him to empower your spouse to “want to” meet your needs, but then release your spouse from “having to”.

5. Entrust your spouse to God. His voice can speak louder and with greater results than you could ever hope to. I use to want to be my husband, Greg’s, Holy Spirit. I would give all the reasons why he should or shouldn’t do something…but no amount of my rationale, no amount of my wisdom or sheer genius stirred my husband to act or live like I wanted him to. When I released him to the Lord, focusing on my life instead of his, God moved on my husband’s heart, stirring him to love me more intimately.

I don’t know your conflict, but I do KNOW my GOD. Avoid shifting the blame; focus on your own life, allowing God to change you; and love your spouse without accusation. The results are amazing!

Shifting the blame may be our natural inclination but never solves our conflicts.


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Marriage Monday – Expectations That Cause Confrontations

by Julie Gorman

I rustled the trash and slammed the bag against the floor. Once again I have to take out the trash because HE didn’t. Oh he makes me so mad. Just sitting there watching TV while I do all the work. I thought to myself, while snapping a new bag to line the trash container.

I walked through the living room to exit the front door; the garage was a shorter distance, but I wanted to make sure he knew I was doing his job, once again!

Instead of retaliation, my husband smiled, making me even madder. A couple of years and many fights later, I realized an important truth:

You bring who you are into your marriage.

We typically look at our family and decide we want to be just like them, or vow we’ll never do things the way they did. These expectations spoken or unspoken are part of us. The more we understand our expectations the more likely we’ll resolve our conflicts.

The majority or our confrontations result from unmet expectations. We think our spouse should act a certain way, think a certain way, and live a certain way. And though there are certain expectations that every spouse should honor in marriage, like: fidelity, kindness, honesty, and commitment; the majority of our expectations should be negotiable.

Think about the expectations you had about marriage prior to marrying, the roles you expected one another to play, and the expectations you have about your spouse? Who should discipline the kids, and how? Where should you eat your family meals, in front of the TV or at the kitchen table? From the biggest of decisions to the smallest, our expectations formed from life’s experience.

For most of us, our expectations remain unmentioned because we aren’t aware what we’ve adopted as normal. Recognizing your expectations is half the battle to avoiding confrontations. So here are some ways to recognize underlying expectations:

1. Recognize your emotions. When you begin to feel your “blood boil” or perhaps feel especially passionate about a particular subject…take note—underneath lays an expectation for sure! Ask yourself, “Why am I so frustrated about this; where does my expectation stem from?”

2. Communicate with your spouse. Ask them questions about their family. Find out what they expect. Talk specifically with them about gender specific roles within your marriage, money, the rearing of children; what is an appropriate amount of time away from one another—how much time do they like to have to themselves? The earlier you do this in your relationship the better, but it is never too late.

3.Examine your upbringing. Ask yourself the same questions you did your spouse. You might be surprised (as you reflect on your upbringing) how many of your marital arguments stem from expectations formed from your childhood.

Discovering your expectations is only half the battle, now you need to determine whether your expectations are realistic or not. Here are three ways to recognize realistic expectations:

1. Spiritually—Compare it to the principles found in God’s Word—if it contradicts the Word of God then get rid of it. If the Word of God supports the expectation then keep it; it is realistic. 1 Corinthians 10:31 which says, “whether in word or deed do it all to the glory of God.”

2. Practically—is the expectation feasible? If it doesn’t defy ethics and can be met fairly easily then more than likely it is realistic. Don’t have the attitude that, “I will take care of their need when they take care of mine.” Remember marriage isn’t about selfishly focusing on our own personal needs; it’s about serving and having the maturity to meet the needs of our spouse instead.
3. Socially—examine other Christian couples. Does your expectation line up with the principles preached within your congregation? Does it compare with other Christian couples’ lifestyles? Be careful; this comparison is the most subjective, but if the majority of Christian couples practice the expectation then it is probably realistic.

Finally, if you want to have a marriage of a life time, I encourage you; rather than justifying why one another are wrong…submit your expectations and every preconceived idea to God. Ask for His help to make any changes you need to, and serve one another extending grace, mercy, and love.

(For a more extensive look at Expectations that Cause Confrontations you can read “What I Wish My Mother Had Told Me about Marriage.”)


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Marriage Monday — Uproot Your Root of Bitterness

by Julie Gorman

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Though not necessarily found directly within Scripture, this phrase is deeply profound and contains the key to freedom and a happy marriage.

Upset couple back-to-back

Ever wish you could redo parts of your life? If I could redo parts of mine, I would err on the side of grace, extending forgiveness even when it wasn’t sought, loving with purity even when it wasn’t returned. I would simply not hold on to offenses—often easier said than done; yet as I look back on the seasons of my life I regret not forgiving more quickly. Forgiveness is a choice and is a mandate for marriage—but all too often we fail to realize our own shortcomings until it’s too late.

Satan is especially crafty with bitterness—its very core is manipulative and destructive. Unfortunately, bitterness often occurs as a result of the intentional harm inflicted by another person. The deception of bitterness is that in some way we maintain the upper hand by remembering or holding on to an offense—what a lie.

Despite our natural inclination to hold on to offenses, God commands us to forgive as He has forgiven. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

But…forgiveness can be tough. So, you may be asking, “How? How do you rid yourself of bitterness, and freely forgive?” Allow me to share five steps to help you in the process:

1.  Submit your pain to God. Sometimes our pain is expressed in stages. The severity of the wound often determines the length of the healing process—don’t give up. God is near and ready to help remove your pain.

2.  Confess any hatred or anger you may be harboring.  Address your issues head on. Express your emotions to God in simple sentences and ask for help and the ability to forgive. Vocalize forgiveness out loud. It’s good to hear yourself say it. “I forgive…for… I choose to remember this offense no longer.”

3.  Remember God is your defender. He is faithful to protect you. Don’t take vengeance into your own hands. God will protect you so much better than you can. Ask for Him to intervene on your behalf. And to help you to not hold on to offenses.

4.  Recognize you can’t control another person’s actions. Each of us will give an account for our own actions, not one another’s. Submit your life to the principles of God’s Word and allow Him to convict your offender. Read passages on the mercy of God to help renew your mind and fight the battle that wages war against your emotions.

5.  Finally, freedom starts with a choice to forgive and release bitterness. We can’t change our past, but we need NOT be a victim to it. If we harbor bitterness it only destroys us; it ties unites our lives with our offender, and rips at our soul. So, even if you don’t feel like forgiving you can begin with Lord I’m willing to be willing. Be honest with God and ask for Him to help.

Forgiveness and releasing bitterness isn’t easy…but it is liberating. Forgiveness is essential in marriage because no matter how great your partner is or isn’t, they aren’t perfect. And true love keeps no record of wrongs:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV

Father, fill us with the grace to forgive, and to love as you love us.

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