Marriage Monday - Don’t Shift the Blame

By Julie Gorman

Reality is a funny thing because everyone has their own slant on what it is. Faulty information and our fallen nature skews our perceptions. Therefore, in every situation we have a choice. Choosing to believe the best in our spouse and looking for the opportunity to extend God’s grace births His character in us.

Genesis 3:11-19 records the first episode of shifting the blame. God asked Adam, “Where are you?” Adam replied, “I hid because I was naked.” God said, “Who told you that you were naked? Have you eaten from the tree that I commanded you not to eat from?” Adam replied, “The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”

There it is—the first shift of blame. Adam could have said, “Yep, I did it.” But instead points to Eve, “it is her fault.” Eve turns and does the same thing, blaming the snake.

Since The Fall conflict continues within every marriage relationship. And our natural tendency to shift the blame is as old as the Garden of Eden; but it doesn’t matter whether you are right or wrong—shifting the blame won’t excuse consequences for wrongdoing; nor, will shifting the blame heal damaged relationships. Shifting the blame only produces more conflict.

So, rather than shifting the blame, avoid it:

1. Reach a middle ground of understanding. Don’t spend idle time trying to determine who’s right and who’s wrong. Start a new pattern of communication. Always examine a conflict and your actions. Ask yourself, “Did I do everything possible to be a good spouse in this situation?” “Did I love unconditionally like Jesus?” “Did I speak out of emotion and cause further division?” “Did I persist on being heard?”

2. Quit trying to point out faults in your spouse; instead, pray for God’s intervention. We somehow think we have to be the mouthpiece of God. When we stop accusing our spouses, they’ll become more receptive to responding to the voice of God. Learn to remain silent when needed, occurring more often than not.

3. Remind yourself, your spouse cannot meet your every need—only God can. Release your spouse for unfruitful and unrealistic expectations. Avoid the, “Well if he would then I would” or “IF she would ONLY…then I wouldn’t”. You are responsible for your actions.

4. Fall head over heels in love with God. Let him be your provider. He is the only one who will never let you down. Submit your desires to the Lord and ask Him to empower your spouse to “want to” meet your needs, but then release your spouse from “having to”.

5. Entrust your spouse to God. His voice can speak louder and with greater results than you could ever hope to. I use to want to be my husband, Greg’s, Holy Spirit. I would give all the reasons why he should or shouldn’t do something…but no amount of my rationale, no amount of my wisdom or sheer genius stirred my husband to act or live like I wanted him to. When I released him to the Lord, focusing on my life instead of his, God moved on my husband’s heart, stirring him to love me more intimately.

I don’t know your conflict, but I do KNOW my GOD. Avoid shifting the blame; focus on your own life, allowing God to change you; and love your spouse without accusation. The results are amazing!

Shifting the blame may be our natural inclination but never solves our conflicts.

Tags: God, love, Marriage, shifting blame

This entry was posted on Monday, April 12th, 2010 at 7:50 am and is filed under Julie Gorman, Marriage, Marriage Monday. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.

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