by Julie Gorman

“To err is human; to forgive, divine.” Though not necessarily found directly within Scripture, this phrase is deeply profound and contains the key to freedom and a happy marriage.

Ever wish you could redo parts of your life? If I could redo parts of mine, I would err on the side of grace, extending forgiveness even when it wasn’t sought, loving with purity even when it wasn’t returned. I would simply not hold on to offenses—often easier said than done; yet as I look back on the seasons of my life I regret not forgiving more quickly. Forgiveness is a choice and is a mandate for marriage—but all too often we fail to realize our own shortcomings until it’s too late.

Satan is especially crafty with bitterness—its very core is manipulative and destructive. Unfortunately, bitterness often occurs as a result of the intentional harm inflicted by another person. The deception of bitterness is that in some way we maintain the upper hand by remembering or holding on to an offense—what a lie.

Despite our natural inclination to hold on to offenses, God commands us to forgive as He has forgiven. Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

But…forgiveness can be tough. So, you may be asking, “How? How do you rid yourself of bitterness, and freely forgive?” Allow me to share five steps to help you in the process:

1.  Submit your pain to God. Sometimes our pain is expressed in stages. The severity of the wound often determines the length of the healing process—don’t give up. God is near and ready to help remove your pain.

2.  Confess any hatred or anger you may be harboring.  Address your issues head on. Express your emotions to God in simple sentences and ask for help and the ability to forgive. Vocalize forgiveness out loud. It’s good to hear yourself say it. “I forgive…for… I choose to remember this offense no longer.”

3.  Remember God is your defender. He is faithful to protect you. Don’t take vengeance into your own hands. God will protect you so much better than you can. Ask for Him to intervene on your behalf. And to help you to not hold on to offenses.

4.  Recognize you can’t control another person’s actions. Each of us will give an account for our own actions, not one another’s. Submit your life to the principles of God’s Word and allow Him to convict your offender. Read passages on the mercy of God to help renew your mind and fight the battle that wages war against your emotions.

5.  Finally, freedom starts with a choice to forgive and release bitterness. We can’t change our past, but we need NOT be a victim to it. If we harbor bitterness it only destroys us; it ties unites our lives with our offender, and rips at our soul. So, even if you don’t feel like forgiving you can begin with Lord I’m willing to be willing. Be honest with God and ask for Him to help.

Forgiveness and releasing bitterness isn’t easy…but it is liberating. Forgiveness is essential in marriage because no matter how great your partner is or isn’t, they aren’t perfect. And true love keeps no record of wrongs:

“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, NIV

Father, fill us with the grace to forgive, and to love as you love us.